Survivors, Suffering and Suicide

Last week there was some stir about a post on Metavivor that stated breast cancer survivors “have a medical year to endure and life goes back to normal.” The article stated that the early stager’s problems pale next to the metastatic patient (yes, absolutely true), but then goes on to describe the survivor’s problem as fear […]


There are days fatigue sits on my shoulders its fat ass crushing my bones My skeleton disintegrates into tiny fragments leaving my flesh like a rumpled unmade bed   There are days I feel like a stuffed doll strewn across the cold tiled floor Abandoned, lifeless, lumpy Matted stuffing peeks out from ripped seams   Some days […]

Games We Play With Doctors

My primary physician likes to paint. She’s not actually an artist, but she takes a stab with her paint-by-numbers kit. Her brush strokes stay meticulously within the lines. She chooses prescribed numbers because doctors love prescriptions. She can’t deviate from the numbers anyhow. They guide her. They’re safe. They’re proven. They’re what she knows. There […]

Dad, Chemo and Me

January 7 was the anniversary of my father’s death 24 years ago. I suppose his death certificate cited cancer, lymphoma specifically, as the cause of death, but it seemed clear chemo was the real culprit. The doctors were optimistic they had successfully blasted the renegade cancer cells in his body. Two more chemos to go and he’d […]

Remission Blues: A Song of Crazy

Maybe I’m not officially insane, but I’ve been hanging around Crazy Town. It’s addictive, but I’m managing to claw my way out. I finished treatment in January 2011. You’d think I would’ve been paranoid all this time about a recurrence. I’d been okay for the most part, but lately, not so good. Part of it […]

The Many Faces of Cancer

Cancer definitely takes a swipe at our self-image, especially if you’ve lost your hair from chemo. Some people take the changes in stride. As one man said: I was bald before chemo so nothing changed! For most of us, it’s a different story.  I can remember being at the grocery store, wearing my hat, when […]

Ode to the Lost Nodes

The surgeon said he’d take just a few. The sentinel lymph nodes. But one set off the malignant alarm and before I awoke, he took the whole slew. I was glad to be alive, to have the cancer removed. But now? I miss my nodes. And I want ‘em back. Twenty-f—kin’-eight. Count ‘em if you […]

Burnt, Fried and a lil’ bit Crispy

It’s roughly a month since I last posted. I’ve never been so absent from my own blog. As my title suggests, I’ve been in burn-out mode.  My job required a lot of overtime during the last month when it’s been a struggle to put in the normal 40-hour week. While my energy continues to make […]

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